How to Create a Conspiracy Theory in Five Minutes or Less!

It’s actually pretty easy.

Step 1.  All you have to do is identify a group or individual and identify something that they do.  It could be anything.  Really, don’t put much thought into it.  As you will see in a moment, it is impossible to disprove a conspiracy theory…even one made in five minutes.

Step 2.  Identify another similar group or individual that does the same thing.  Again, don’t put much thought into it.  It doesn’t even have to be the same thing, just something similar or comparable.

Step 3. Identify the conspiracy. It’s always good to identify the conspiracy with a traditionally scary philosophy. The best ones to use today are as follows, though in no particular order: socialism, fascism/Nazism (currently a favorite), liberalism, feminism, environmentalism, Marxism, Maoism (currently enjoying a renaissance), Islam, left wing.  Most marginalized minority groups or foreign nations are easy to tie in as well. You could also use some old standbys like the Masons, the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, the Military Industrial Complex, the Roman Catholic Church and who could leave out the Jews! but really, these are old school.

Another cool feature of the scary philosophies is if one of these ideologies is scary, any combination of two of them is double scary.  This is usually done by strategically placing an “o” between two punctuated ideas.   Like envirosocialists or Islamofascist.  These are great!  But the “o” is optional, as in feminazi. You can even do this between two mutually exclusive philosophies that most people don’t understand, like sociofascist.

A couple of words of caution here.  Some combinations are really difficult, such as Islamocatholic.  That’s not to say you can’t make it work, it would just take you more than five minutes to make the acceptable connections. Also, combining more than two of the above may be overkill.  That’s not to say it won’t be believed; there’s just a zero return for your labor as a combination of three scary paradigms is no more scary than just two.

Step 4. Identify the goals of the conspiracy.  This is easy.  The goals of every good conspiracy is to dominate the world. Really, anything less is a wimpy conspiracy.

There, you’ve created your conspiracy! See, wasn’t that fun? Let’s do an example right now!

Keith Olbermann wears socks.  President Obama wears socks. Keith Olbermann and President Obama are both liberals.  That means that wearing socks is a fascoliberal conspiracy to dominate the world!

See how easy that is.  Now you are ready to start your own website or something.  Once you have your conspiracy set up you can then start trolling for random bits of information that you can pass off as data to confirm your particular conspiracy.  Don’t worry, there’ll be plenty such “proof” if you just keep your eyes open.  Pictures of Nancy Pelosi wearing socks.  You can incorporate companies that make socks and attach them to your conspiracy.

If your “proof” happens to be completely false and/or made up off the top of your head–no problem!  It’s not like anyone is even going to bother fact-checking what you’ve put together. Also, no amount of facts will change the minds of those whom you have already convinced.  Regardless, if someone does challenge your particular conspiracy there are two ways to handle it.  First, you link them to the conspiracy. “Look! You wear socks…isn’t that interesting. Hmmmm!” Second, you simply accuse them of being too ignorant to see the evidence that is right before them.  That makes you appear smarter than they are, so it’s a double win.   The important thing is, don’t back down.  Even if your data is soundly disproved by every possible expert in the world, just hold to your guns and assert the validity of your nonsense claims.  You’d be surprised how many people will believe you.  Can you say “global warming denier?”

And don’t worry if your conspiracy is pure nonsense.  No conspiracy theorist worth his/her salt really cares about silly things like facts and common sense anyway.  After all, there’s no way to disprove a conspiracy theory.  Remember Saddam Hussein and the weapons of mass destruction.  That was a brilliant example.  His inability to give up his non-existent weapons of mass destruction was presented as proof that he was continuing to hide them! Awesome!

If someone does challenge your conspiracy by, say, pointing out all the conservatives who wear socks, you can claim that this only proves how incidious and widespread the conspiracy has become.  This lends a sense of urgency to your conspiracy and that’s always a good thing.  “Look, John McCain is wearing socks. My God! They’ve gotten to him! We have to do something!”  “Did you know in most schools wearing socks is part of the dress code! That’s liberal indoctrination of our youth! Why I won’t stand for it!”

This is hours of entertainment. So go ahead, take five minutes and create your own conspiracy theory.  It’s fun!

Conspiracy Theory


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